One Liners

A  joke that is short,  sharp and enjoyable, gives instant, joy, happiness, smile, laughter and dilutes all forms of  stress, tension and anxiety.

 

  • People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
  • People that don’t know me think I’m shy. People that do know me wish I were.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire
  • Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  • Thank God I’m an atheist. ~ Luis Bunuel
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzche
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”- Winston S. Churchill
  • “Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we.
  • think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” – Bill Watterson
  • “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • If I agreed with you . . . we’d both be wrong
  • Over the hill . . . is better than under it
  • Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it’s students
  • Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
  • Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! – Lauren-Elise Brush
  • Live each day like it’s your last . . . one day, you’ll get it right
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush. He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
  • If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
  • Nothing’s impossible for those . . . who don’t have to do it.
  • You laugh at me because I’m different . . . I laugh at you because you’re all the same
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place
  • Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
  • If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren’t more people happy?
  • People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
  • People that don’t know me think I’m shy. People that do know me wish I were.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire
  • Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  • Thank God I’m an atheist. ~ Luis Bunuel
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzche
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”- Winston S. Churchill
  • “Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we.
  • think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” – Bill Watterson
  • “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • If I agreed with you . . . we’d both be wrong
  • Over the hill . . . is better than under it
  • Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it’s students
  • Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
  • Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! – Lauren-Elise Brush
  • Live each day like it’s your last . . . one day, you’ll get it right
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush. He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
  • If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
  • Nothing’s impossible for those . . . who don’t have to do it.
  • You laugh at me because I’m different . . . I laugh at you because you’re all the same
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place
  • Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
  • If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren’t more people happy?
  • People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
  • People that don’t know me think I’m shy. People that do know me wish I were.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire
  • Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  • Thank God I’m an atheist. ~ Luis Bunuel
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzche
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”- Winston S. Churchill
  • “Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we.
  • think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” – Bill Watterson
  • “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • If I agreed with you . . . we’d both be wrong
  • Over the hill . . . is better than under it
  • Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it’s students
  • Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
  • Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! – Lauren-Elise Brush
  • Live each day like it’s your last . . . one day, you’ll get it right
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush. He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
  • If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
  • Nothing’s impossible for those . . . who don’t have to do it.
  • You laugh at me because I’m different . . . I laugh at you because you’re all the same
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place
  • Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
  • If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren’t more people happy?
  • People have the right to be stupid. Some people abuse that privilege.
  • People that don’t know me think I’m shy. People that do know me wish I were.
  • Don’t you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  • Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
  • Every man is guilty of all the good he didn’t do. ~ Voltaire
  • Art, like morality, consists in drawing the line somewhere. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean. ~ G. K. Chesterton
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. ~ Rodney Dangerfield
  • Thank God I’m an atheist. ~ Luis Bunuel
  • Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  • A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is just putting on its shoes.
  • “It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!” ― Friedrich Nietzche
  • “My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.”- Winston S. Churchill
  • “Sometimes when I’m talking, my words can’t keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we.
  • think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.” – Bill Watterson
  • “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.” – Groucho Marx
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
  • Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
  • Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • If I agreed with you . . . we’d both be wrong
  • Over the hill . . . is better than under it
  • Time is the best healer . . . but . . . it kills all it’s students
  • Natural stupidity is better than . . . artificial intelligence
  • Whoever said love was easy . . . couldn’t be more wrong! – Lauren-Elise Brush
  • Live each day like it’s your last . . . one day, you’ll get it right
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush. He loves nature . . . in spite of what it did to him.
  • A hair on the head . . . is worth two on the brush.
  • If you loose your left arm . . . your right one will be left
  • Effective way to remember the wife’s birthday . . . forget it once.
  • Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday.
  • If you have something to say, raise your hand . . . and place it over your mouth.
  • Nothing’s impossible for those . . . who don’t have to do it.
  • You laugh at me because I’m different . . . I laugh at you because you’re all the same
  • It may be that your sole purpose in life is . . . simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place
  • Experience is a wonderful thing . . . you recognize a mistake when you make it again
  • If ignorance is bliss . . . why aren’t more people happy?

 


 







6 Responses to One Liners

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