His boss suggested that he see a doctor about his sleep issues.
Joe’s doctor prescribed him a small bottle of sleeping medication, instructing him to take half of a pill before going to bed at night.
“I can’t wait to finally get some decent rest,” Joe said, as he excitedly took a whole pill and went to bed.
Joe had never woken up feeling so refreshed!
“I just got the best sleep of my life!” he told his boss at work.
“Great,” his boss replied, “but where were you yesterday?”
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!”
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
A woman walks up to an old man sitting on his porch
“I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”
“Well, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of beer, eat lots of fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied.
“Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?”
“I’m twenty-six, maam.”
An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves to weep in terror. ‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘I have freed you all in my will.