Getting advice from crocodile

 

Four stupid people were discussing the way to make people understand their thinking.

One of them was of the view that it would be an exercise in futility as there is a sea difference between their intellectual level and theirs.

The second one was of the opinion that if they start interacting with them their own intellectual level would come down. Better leave them to their fate.

According to the third person it was their responsibility to make this world a better place and they should not shirk this responsibility.

The fourth and the last person was of the view that it was better to wait for their request for help than to poke our noses and make them feel important.

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SOME HUMOR QUOTES

 

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.  ~Francis Bacon

Humor has a way of bringing people together.  It unites people.  In fact, I’m rather serious when I suggest that someone should plant a few whoopee cushions in the United Nations.  ~Ron Dentinger

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor.  ~Author Unknown

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.  ~William James

Humor is just another defense against the universe.  ~Mel Brooks

Warning:  Humor may be hazardous to your illness.  ~Ellie Katz

I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. ~Frank A. Clark

There is no defense against adverse fortune which is so effectual as an habitual sense of humor.  ~Thomas W. Higginson

Humor is the instinct for taking pain playfully. ~Max Eastman

Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man’s superiority to all that befalls him.  ~Roman Gary

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Three cheers for the politicians

 

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author 

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
  
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!

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RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

 

For those of you  old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will  enjoy this e-mail.  For those of you not old enough  you will see what you missed.  Either way, his  humor was always clean and he was a great  entertainer.   A re-run of great ‘one liner’s’  from the man who was known for his fun humor.  I  hope you get a chuckle or two  from a real original…..

1. Two times a week we go to  a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food  and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on  Fridays.

2. We also sleep  in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is  in Texas.

3. I take my wife  everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way  back.

4. I asked my wife  where she wanted to go for our  anniversary.
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long  time!” she said. So I suggested the  kitchen.

5. We always hold  hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an  electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread  maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets, and no  place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric  chair.

7. My wife told me  the car wasn’t running well because there was water  in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She  told me, “In the lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and  looked great for two days. Then the mud fell  off.

9. She ran after  the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the  garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”.

10. Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss  Right. I just didn’t know her first name was  ‘Always’.

12. I haven’t  spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to  interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my  fault though.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I  said, “Dust!”.

Can’t you  just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These  were the good old days when  humor didn’t have to start  with a four letter word.
It was just clean and  simple fun.
And he always ended his programs  with the words,

“And May God  Bless”  with a big smile on his  face.

 

From

[My World: Humour]

With thanks

 

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Stress Management

 

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, ‘half empty or half full?’ She fooled them all …. “How heavy is this glass of water?” she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “and that’s the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on.”

“As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden – holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully… It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can’t push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

16 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

19 * Save the earth….. It’s the only planet with chocolate!
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says “Oh crap, she’s up!”

 

With thanks to World-humor

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FEW ONE LINERS

 

 

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood…

Dentists make money off of people with bad teeth. Why should I trust the toothpaste they recommend?

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

I’m not saying your stupid, i’m just saying that you have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect them!

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

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Some Funny Quotes

 

 

Humor is like pizza even when it’s bad, it’s still good. – Gerry Hopman

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives. – Author unknown

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. – Author unknown

Sadness, stress and tension come and go. Humor and laughter are forever. – Gerry Hopman

I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine, he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. Author unknown

We get older and wider instead of older and wiser. – Gerry Hopman

Doing nothing is very hard to do….you never know when you’re finished. – Leslie Neilsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you’re on the job. Slappy White

You can lead a man to congress, but you can’t make him think. – Milton Berle

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar – I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one – Bob Hope

Be good to yourself – interject some humor into your life. – Gerry Hopman

When I was born I was so surprised, I didn’t talk for a year and a half. – Gracie Allen

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it, except they keep coming back. Will Rogers

Why don’t they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on earth. – Will Rogers

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PicNic Party

 

 

And after twenty years of thinking I decided to go for the plunge at last. Being a great patriot I always wanted to serve my country in the best possible way and to use my intelligence and later also experience to bring positive changes in the life of compatriots.  What could be a better way than by becoming a political leader.  Previously every time I thought about it, mental blockades came in my way. It is risky, it requires a lot of money, it is known as a dirty business, how will I manage my time between my employment and politics, may be my family life will suffer and many others. But once I retired from service some of  the hurdles looked surmountable and I took the decision to join politics by becoming  member of some political party.

Which party to join ? That was the next decision to be made. What about the ruling party, no that was receiving daily bashing from media and people for their corruption. When I put this question to a person known for his political expertise he replied that I should read the manifestos of all the parties and join  the one whose views were closer to mine. There were more than one hundred parties so the task was difficult, therefore, I decided to go through the manifestos of nine more well known parties. After having read all the nine manifestos it appeared to me that all were written by one and the same person with not much difference. What to do? Another wise man helped out by proposing the most objective and impartial way, draw from a lot. I did that and got the name of Peoples Independent Courageous National Ideological Compatriots Party abbreviated as PICNIC Party.

The next day I visited the local office of the party and was received by a humorous looking  person calling himself office secretary. On my desribing my intentions of joining his party he reciprocated by first showing his teeth in happiness and then took out a four page form which he called membership form and asked me to fill it. When I told him that it was too lengthy he replied that I may hand over a copy of my National Identity Card and he would himself got it filled. On my inquiry what the form contained he replied that it comprised in addition to personal data, my thinking on different national and international issues and examples of my achievements in politics. I gave copy of my NIC and asked about what was the next step.  “Pay Rs 5000/ membership fee,” he answered. I obliged. He then told me that I could check about approval of membership after a week.

A week later I returned to the office and was congratulated by the office secretary on the approval of my membership. He also told me that the Party leader was holding a public meeting in the city after ten days and I would be responsible to arrange the presence of at least hundred people for the meeting by transporting them to the meeting place as well as for their food. When I asked him who would pay for the arrangement he that replied it would be my responsibility. But I have just joined how I can do that, I protested. “This would be your first test. Politics is a tough game and you have to go through all this if you want to succeed,” he replied. “And if you failed, ” he continued ” your membership would be cancelled”.

It was too much for me and I bluntly asked him to cancel my membership there and then and return Rs 500o/.  ” Did not you read the conditions mentioned in the membership form that fee was not not refundable,” he retorted with a satirical smile.

 



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Are we in our senses?

We know about six human senses and we also talk about common sense and sense of humor, but what is the reason of not including  them in the list of senses. Before going any further, it is worthwhile to have a look at them in a bit detail.

common senseCommon sense is defined as the ability to think and behave in a reasonable way and to make good decisions. Well, well so the reason of exclusion of common sense might be to avoid behaving in a reasonable way and making good decisions.

funny picturesNow coming to sense of humor, it is defined as the faculty of perceiving and appreciating the humorous. So it exclusion from six senses also makes sense. Life is a serious thing and must remain serious leaving the humorous and funny things to animals, birds, plants and the rest.

Some people might say that whatever I am saying is all nonsense giving rise to the question what about “Nonsense” itself. By adding “Non” to the sense why we are shying away from recognizing it as a sense, isn’t really nonsense. We know many things that were initially labelled as nonsense lead to great inventions.

It appears that we are not in our senses. It is the right time to rise above our prejudices and give Common Sense, Sense Of Humor and Nonsense their rightful places before the world starves from their absence.

Tasneem Hameed

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Humor Laughter History

 

 

With thanks from humor-laughter.com

Humor and laughter have a long history, as they have been a part of the human culture for as long as we can go back. The benefits of humor are even referenced in the bible – Book of Proverbs 17.22, where it states: “A cheerful heart does good medicine, but a broken spirit makes you sick.”

King Solomon gave us one of the earliest recorded accounts regarding the healing power of humor and laughter.

The ancient Greek physicians prescribed for their patients to visit the hall of comedians. They would send their patients to the theater to be entertained as part of the healing process.

Early Native Americans had clowns who worked with Witch Doctors. They too realized the powerful effects of humor and laughter in healing, The 3rd most important person in the tribe was the clown.

 

In the 1300’s, surgeon Henri de Mondeville reportedly told jokes to his patients in the recovery room.

Throughout the centuries Court Jesters were hired to relieve the royalty’s stress from their governing duties.

During the course of the ages, humor and laughter were recognized for bringing joy and happiness as therapy to speed recovery from surgery; as therapy and counseling of depressed people; as a cure for melancholy; release for excess stress and tension; treatment of the sick; and the regaining of emotional equilibrium.

In the 1600’s educator Richard Mulcater recommended laughter for those suffering from head colds. However, the most significant recording of the benefits of humor and laughter came from Norman Cousins in his book ‘Anatomy of an illness.’

In 1964, Dr. Cousins was diagnosed with a crippling and extremely painful inflammation of his body, which doctors diagnosed as Anklyosing Spondilitis.

He did not accept his doctor’s death sentence. He checked himself out of the hospital, hired a nurse and moved into a hotel.

Along with mega doses of vitamin ‘C’, he watched comedy movies such as Candid Camera, the Marx Brothers, Laurel and Hardy and many other comedy movies.

He later wrote. “I made the joyous discovery that 10 minute of genuine belly laughter had an anesthetic effect and would give me at least 2 hours of pain-free sleep.

He recovered from the condition and spent 20 years teaching about the merits of humor and laughter in healing.

Experts now agree, laughter is good for you. It boosts you immune system, it relieves pain, tension and stress, it stimulates the heart, lowers blood pressure and much more…..

Overview of humor throughout history

14th Century French surgeon Henri de Mondeville used humor therapy to aid recovery from surgery. He wrote “Let the surgeon take care to regulate the whole regimen of the patient’s life for joy and happiness allowing his relatives and special friends to cheer him and by having someone tell him jokes.”

16th Century Robert Burton, an English parson and scholar used humor as a cure for melancholy.

16th Century Martin Luther used a form of humor therapy as part of pastoral counselling of depressed people. He advised them not to isolate themselves but to surround themselves with friends who could joke and make them laugh.

17th Century Herbert Spence, sociologist used humor as a way to release excess tension.

18th Century Immanuel Kant, German philosopher used humor to restore equilibrium.

18th Century English physician William Beattie used humor in treatment of the sick.

20th Century Modern humor therapy dates from the 1930’s, when clowns were brought into the U.S. hospitals to cheer up children hospitalized with polio.

20th Century – 1972 The Gesundheit Institute is founded by U.S. Doctor Hunter ‘Patch Adams. This is a home-based free hospital to bring fun, friendship, and the joy of service back into health care.

20th Century – 1979 Norman Cousins publishes his book’Anatomy of an Illness’ based on his own experiences he had been suffering from anklyosing spondylitis and decided to use his own brand of ‘Humor Therapy’ by watching episodes of the television show ‘Candid Camera’ and Marx Brothers movies. He caimed that 10 minutes of laughter could give him 2 hours of pain relief.

20th Century – 1998 Renewed interest in the uses of humor as therapy thanks to the release of the movie ‘Patch Adams’ starring Robin Williams and based on the real Doctor Hunter ‘Patch Adams.’

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