HUMOROUS STORIES. Getting Out of A Ticket

 

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.


“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
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BAD NEWS

 

President Mamnoon in his address emphasized the importance of education and said the best time to grow mangoes is before the advent of summer.

National assembly started its session two hours late and found that a big quantity of wheat bags was missing.

The match took an interesting turn when Misbah hit three sixes and decided to call a meeting early next month to decide the matter.

On a surprise visit to the jail the minister checked the living conditions and food the total time taken to cover the distance was more than two hours.

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Develop a Sense of Humor

 

If you use humor effectively, it can help you, but if misused, it may backfire.

From my own experience, spontaneous humorous quips, witty comments are not consciously created. They just pop into your head and roll off your tongue.

Being funny definitely is a good thing. It makes you popular, fun to be around, and can lift situations that could otherwise be boring and a grind to endure.

You have to be careful, because people take you less serious, if all your dialogue comes out as being funny.

You have to know audience, and be able to judge your timing for humorous and witty comments.

Being in the Humor business, people often ask me to say something funny. It is hard to be funny on demand. You cannot force humor. If you try too hard to be funny, it often comes out flat.

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NEW HUMOROUS/SATIRICAL ONE LINERS

 

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. – Dilbert

Always remember that you are absolutely unique… Just like everyone else…

As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free…

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NEWSBREAK

 

Long time ago once in English class the teacher asked the class who can differentiate between two words having the same sound and made the sound “Braik”. I at once raised my hand to answer the question to the surprise of the class because I was known for raising problems and my voice during arguments and not my hand to answer any question.  When I was asked to give the answer I named the two words as leg break and off break two types of bowling in the game of cricket. My teacher was not impressed and told the class that the two words were “Break and Brake” and then went on to explain their meaning. Having once threatened by my elder brother that he would break my hand if I used his newly bought pen I easily understood the meaning of break. It was a little later that I came in contact with its name- sake, brake while trying unsuccessfully to ride a bicycle and falling down. I was told about the function of brake at that time. But, I never was able to use it because its function being to slow or stop the bicycle, I never reached that stage. The farthest I could go was sitting on its seat while in the vicinity of a wall and moving it forward and backward by using its pedal and my right hand taking the support of the wall.

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Humor and Creativity

 

 

Creativity can be enhanced by humor and result in more effective problem-solving

Experiments dating back to the 1950’s have demonstrated a definite link between humor and creative ability.

People who are humorous are more playful; people who are more playful are more creative; people who are more creative find more solutions; people who find more solutions are better able to deal with change, everyday challenges and associated stresses.

The more we play and flex our ‘funny bone,’the easier it becomes to make new connections and look at things from a fresh perspective.

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FIRSTHAND AND SECONDHAND; A humorously logical perspective

 

It was long ago in my early childhood that I first heard the word “Secondhand”. It did not strike me in any way then, but when I heard it again a little later I started thinking about it. It occurred to me that it was one of the two hands that humans have, but which one? May be if you are a right hander, then your right hand is the first hand and left hand is the secondhand and vice versa. But then I thought that if we go by this analogy, then there should be a secondeye as well secondear and secondleg also, which had not been heard before. As the issue became complicated I decided to discuss it with a class fellow.

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FOR A CHANGE

 

you are either networking                                                                                  boxing-cartoon                                              I was successful                                                                                                                                                                            great job                                                     I wonder

'It's wheat-free, dairy-free, fat-free, nut-free, sugar-free and salt-free...enjoy!

‘It’s wheat-free, dairy-free, fat-free, nut-free, sugar-free and salt-free…enjoy!

we like

 

 

while you were out

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SELFIES

 

Selfie is the latest fad. Although some people think it to be a form of selfishness due to its close proximity in sound with the word “Selfish” as well as its emphasis on “Self” in its process and result, most people just take it as the method of taking one’s own photograph with one’s own hands. Actually it is far from being true.

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Some Funny Quotes

 

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!”

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the bible and we had the land.

They said, “Let us pray!” We closed our eyes, and when we opened them, we had the bible and they had the land! – Archbishop Desmond Tutu

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